I create websites. Not shit websites. Good websites.

Things I have made by wiggling my mouse.

The Old Cheese Factory Website Kris Markovich Illustration Hale Communications Website Morgan Oil Business Cards Rachael Leigh Cook Illustration DeMilles Website Rogue Trader Films Branding Bird Rating Website Building Dispute Website Illustration Altek Website R3 Logo

And yes, that's very astute of you. I can do more than just design websites; I can do branding and illustrations too. I can also do a great impression of an injured monkey, but now is not the time nor is it the place.

You are not a web designer. I am the web designer.

You wouldn't tell Mr. Marks of Spencer how to make slacks or Mrs. Audrey Audi how to build motor cars, would you? So please, Sir, don't tell me I should "bevel" things. Get back to doing what you do best and let me do the web designing.

If you take control, you'll end up with a huge lump of dog muck, and people will laugh at it behind your back. Youths will point and say:

"that man didn't listen to the web designer and his website looks shit"

All I need from you is a brief. And no, the logo doesn't need to be bigger. Pipe down and have a biscuit. Leave this to me.

I need some new brogues. You need a website.

I often get asked, "How much does a website cost?" Some people would respond, "How long is a piece of string?" I don't respond like that because it's a shit expression. The people who say that probably have long nasal hair and wear socks with sandals.

The price depends on what you want me to build. Here is a clever chart I have created that should give you an idea if you look at it with your eyes.

A chart illustrating the cost of websites

I don't take cheques, they're shit.

I am not a horse.

I am a male human. For over 12 years, I have designed websites. Prior to that, I was a shepherd on a remote island in the pacific. I wasn't. I was a recruitment consultant; people spat at me in the streets and shouted, "You're nearly as bad as an estate agent, you knob."

a bear

I live in Cornwall in the UK. I work from an office at home. I generally sit here in my tracksuit pants with a crap patchy beard and listen to Billy Joel whilst I work.

But none of that matters really, does it? I mean, you wouldn't be bothered if I wore a ladies blouse and PVC boots as long as I built a good website, would you? What's that? You would? Oh, I'm a pervert, am I? We'll see about that; put this mask on.

It takes me longer than it should to build websites because I'm all picky about things being proper. I'm a bit like the furniture maker who sands and varnishes the underside of a cabinet. Yes, that's right; it's a bit stupid and isn't a "viable business model." I wish I could be ruthless and churn out rubbish, but I can't, which is why I eat out of bins and can't afford to put the heating on.

I like to think I'm fair and honest, a bit like Mike from the garage who shows me the parts he's replaced and tells me about his athlete's foot, except I won't go into my fungal infections. I'll just charge you a fair price and do the job properly.

And yes, I'm the same idiot who sold a used wetsuit on eBay for £9,000.

"Call me on the line" - Blondie 1980

There are many ways to get in touch with me. You could attach a note to the collar of a fox and tell him about the loose lid on my bin.

Alternatively, you could call me on my telephone by dialling the number +44(0)117 230 1101.
Or perhaps call me on Skype?
Or even send me an email to dan at alittlebitofsomething with a "dot co dot uk" at the end.

I'm not posting my address here because I'll end up on a mailing list for some weird religious group that needs money for new robes.

I don't have a fax machine anymore. I threw it out in 1991 along with my Joe Bloggs jeans and a double cassette album called Deep Heat.