I create websites.
Not shit websites.
Some things I have made by wiggling my mouse.
You may notice I can do more than just design websites; I can do logos and stationery too. I can also do a great impression of an injured monkey, but now is not the time nor is it the place.
You are not a web designer.
I am the web designer.
You wouldn’t tell Mr. Branston how to make pickle or Mrs. Audrey Audi how to build motor cars, would you? So please, Sir/Madam, don’t tell me I should “bevel” things. Get back to doing what you do best and let me do the web designing.
If you take control, you’ll end up with a lump of dog muck, and people will laugh at it behind your back. Youths will point and say:
“that man didn’t listen to the web designer and his website looks shit”
All I need from you is a brief. And no, the logo doesn’t need to be bigger. Pipe down and have a biscuit. Leave this to me.
I may need some new cords.
You may need a website.
I often get asked, “How much does a website cost?” Some people would respond, “How long is a piece of string?” I don’t respond like that because it’s a shit expression. The people who say that probably have long nasal hair and wear socks with sandals.
The price depends on what you want me to build. Here is a chart I have created that should give you an idea if you look at it with your eyes.
£500 – £1000
Logos and brands
£1000 – £1500
A simple website
£1500 – £3000
A website with a bit where you can log-in and change the words and pictures on the pages.
£3000 – £5500
A larger website where you can list things and sell them.
£5500 – £6500
A mucky website with videos of muffs, knockers and winkies*
*I've never built one of these really, I just threw it in for a bit of 'spice'.
I don’t take cheques they’re shit.
Am I always a dick?
Apparently not. Strangely some of my clients like my approach & work.
Here are some of their testimonials which I wrote for them.
“Smelt of meat but good at making websites, we received lots of praise for ours and were pleasantly surprised at the cost.”
“Bit of a twat at times but then our site looks good and we're hoping to work with him again in the future.”
“I'm almost certain he was using the toilet once when I spoke to him. Really pleased with the website he made for us. ”
What am I?
I am a male human. For over 15 years, I have designed websites. Prior to that, I was a recruitment consultant; people spat at me in the streets and shouted, “You’re nearly as bad as an estate agent”.
I work out of a small office in Falmouth, Cornwall. I generally sit here in my saggy tracksuit bottoms listening to Billy Joel whilst I work.
But none of that matters really, does it? I mean, you wouldn’t be bothered if I rode a slutty horse whilst wearing crotchless knickers as long as I built a good website, would you? What’s that? You would?
Oh, I’m a pervert, am I?
It takes me longer than it should to build websites because I’m all picky about things being proper. I’m a bit like the furniture maker who sands and varnishes the underside of a cabinet. Yes, that’s right; it’s a bit stupid and isn’t a “viable business model.” I wish I could be ruthless and churn out rubbish, but I can’t.
I like to think I’m fair and honest, a bit like Mike from the garage who shows me the parts he’s replaced and tells me about his athlete’s foot. Except I won’t show you my fungal infections. I’ll just charge you a fair price and do the job properly.
And yes, I’m the same idiot who sold a piss-free wetsuit for £9,000.
Please don’t call me.
Unscheduled phone calls make me want to murder, but there are other ways to get in touch with me. You could attach a note to the collar of a fox and tell him about the loose lid on my bin.
Alternatively, send me a message using the form on the contact page or, preferably, you could send an email to dan at alittlebitofsomething with a “dot co dot uk” at the end. From there we can arrange a phone or skype call and I’ll tell you about the time I got stuck in the loft.
I’m not putting my address on here because I’ll end up on a mailing list for some weird religious cult that needs money for new robes.
I don’t have a fax machine anymore. I threw it out in 1991 along with my Joe Bloggs jeans and a double cassette album called Deep Heat.